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did you wonder who i'd grow up to be on my first day in the world did you love me forevermore did you open up your heart in my earliest memory i was always alone in the fields and woods behind us i wandered the streets in nothing but short pants on the hot summer days and played in the dirt road did you ever say you loved me did you ever put me to bed or kiss me goodnight did you ever hold me out of love i don't remember when your temper flared and you hit me to the ground did you wonder what that would do i loved the back woods where i could go and be alone with my thoughts no one could touch me there even as a kid i lived a double life one in my head and one in the stupid world you fed us and clothed us as you always would say was that your only reward was that the extent of your love how much do i owe you for that service am i free and clear or do i still owe you something we moved away when i was eight to a middle class neighborhood my brothers still fought all day and we still wore short pants and bare feet and kids made fun of us and no one told us better i spent most of my teens in the basement staying out of trouble avoiding dad when he got angry reading books and dreaming in my own head i only had one or two friends all through school i was so socially retarded for my age for some reason school was a breeze i never studied even in high school i guess i was smart but really at home i spent so much time alone reading that school was like being in my room in eighth grade i won the spelling bee and went to the regionals why didn't you take me there? did you really have to work that day? the principal thought it was strange... when i played in my symphonic band concerts why did you never come when school had open house why were you never there? in 12th grade the school jazz band played their last concert. everyone's parents were there except you kids asked me about it and i didn't know what to say i never went to the school prom i was so painfully shy and had nothing to wear when i graduated i didn't go to the ceremony because i knew no one would come when i finally moved to toronto on my own it was strange i only missed my dog Skippy who died the year before to me it was just my room again in another country in another city me, with my thoughts alone i didn't even notice how alone i was until years later when i made new friends in london by then i had exiled myself from everyone i left behind it only hurts when i see other people with more normal lives and now it's been 14 years there's no going back i changed my name and changed my life i taught myself everything you never taught me in the hardest possible way you would say you always loved me but who did you love how can you say you love when you never knew me never touched me never comforted me never encouraged me is love just a word that means nothing none of this is my fault yet i feel like i was punished for something and how can you feel good about yourself after so many years i've built my own world now this is my world it's not perfect but love means something and i can't cry anymore by Adam Love © 2006 |